WEST SIDE STORY

As a proud resident of Mesa - Property tax? We don't need no stinkin' property tax - I'd like to say how ecstatic I am that my fellow Mesans didn't build that football stadium for the Cardinals a few years back.

I mention this because Glendale is expected to be awarded a Final Four today for sometime between the years 2012 and 2016, that will be played at University of Phoenix Stadium.

Those poor suckers on the West Side. Look at what they've done to themselves. You can't admire the cornfields from the Loop 101 anymore. Now all you see are hotels and retail outlets and theaters and restaurants.

Heck, I was there a couple of weeks ago and I saw people walking around at night. Don't they know how dangerous that is?

Sure, the Final Four is expected to generate somewhere around $50 million in revenue. And Super Bowl XLII brought in hundreds of millions of dollars.

But all that economic prosperity stuff is overrated. You know why?

That's right. Traffic jams.

Used to be a man could drive 75 mph on the 101 and not worry about coming up on some other guy's rear bumper. Now you have to tap your brake lights and pay attention. There are some Sundays when you can't even exceed the speed limit.

But does Glendale Mayor Elaine Scruggs mention that whenever she's boasting about her city? Of course not. She tries to divert our attention by talking about jobs and revenue and the city's growing profile.

Politicians. You can't believe a word they say.

See, that's why I like Mesa. We knew a football stadium would only give us headaches.

There'd be more cars, more people, more congestion. Why, all those businesses that opened shop in Glendale might have decided to build in Mesa. And the last thing the city needs is more revenue. Why, we'll just deal with our $40 million budget shortfall by cutting out nonessential items, like fire and police services.

I mean, we all have garden hoses, don't we?

Besides, you and I both know what would have happened had the stadium been built in our fine city. Some of the new jobs would have gone to illegal immigrants. And we simply can't have that happening.

No, we were fortunate we had the wisdom and foresight to send that stadium packing. Had we built it, millions would have come, and the Mesa we love would have been gone. Instead, we can still walk around the downtown area at night and never have to worry about bumping into another person.

We can eat at quality restaurants like Burger King and Hometown Buffet. Who needs variety. We've got Taco Bell. We can get in and out of Fiesta Mall quickly. Have you been to Tempe Marketplace? It's a zoo!

I haven't even mentioned the traffic. What a joy it is to be able to take a nice, quiet Sunday ride. Next week, Opie and Aunt Bee are coming along.

So go ahead, Glendale. Crow about the Final Four. Brag about the Super Bowl and the college football national championships and all the other events you host.

We like Mesa just the way it is. Comatose.

Scott Bordow is a sports columnist for the East Valley Tribune, the Daily News-Sun's sister newspaper in Mesa. He may be reached at 480-898-6598 or via e-mail at sbordow@evtrib.com.