As parents age Boomers face difficult decisions

As Baby Boomers grow older, so, too, do their parents. And while middle-aged, many Boomer "children" have difficulty handling their aging parents' needs.

The situation can stem from a lack of communication or unwillingness on the part of either parent or child to acknowledge that age is playing a factor in health and wellness.

As life expectancy rates continue to increase, more and more adult children are faced with determining a course of action for the end stages of their parents' lives.

"As we live longer it brings about that the children have to be involved in the plan of care for their parents," said Karen Wellert, owner and president of Adultcare Assistance Homecare in Sun City. "Care for aging parents isn't always as simple as just providing care."

Wellert said many times important decisions about the health and well-being of parents are more difficult because adult children do not live near their parents.

"Probably the biggest challenge that adult children have is the distance they live away from their parents," she said. "They're trying to provide solutions for their problems, dealing with a long distance relationship."

Wellert said the responsibility of raising their own families compounds the difficulty in helping care for aging parents.

"Adult children are caught in between, raising their own families, they have their own jobs and they're having to parent their parents," she said.

Ivy Wixson, director of Sun Health Olive Branch Senior Center, said older parents are not always receptive to help, creating an awkward and sometimes painful situation for adult children.

"We run into it," she said. "I would say people want to remain very independent. In my experience, the older parents do not want to ask for help. They are very resistant to help when it is offered."

New research by Home Instead shows that one-third of Baby Boomers surveyed say they're still stuck in a parent-child relationship that makes it difficult to talk with their parents about aging issues, such as living arrangements, driving and finances. That means that concerns about "senior moments" and questions about safety at home may go unaddressed.

At the same time, parents often avoid broaching subjects with their adult children. They may fear burdening them with worries about their health or finances, and resist giving up their independence.

University of Arizona communications professor Jake Harwood has compiled tips and conversation starters for Home Instead, with the aim of getting parents and their grown children talking.

"Money, health, independence, death. None of these issues are easy to talk about," Harwood said. "One effective technique is thinking about what happens if you don't."

Unfortunately, that's often the case. Decisions about nursing homes or finances are made in crisis mode, from a hospital bed or after bills have been piling up.

By the time most families call Jim McCabe, president of Eldercare Resources, they're already in trouble.

"It's better than it used to be," said McCabe, of Scottsdale. "Ten percent of the people who call me are trying to predict the future. The rest of them are trying to salvage the present."

Relationships may need salvaging, too. McCabe says children and parents need to heal old wounds, or at least acknowledge them, before they can help each other.

"Your parents are going to push your buttons because they put them there," he said.

At the same time, McCabe and Harwood say, children may have a different view of how their parents are doing than the parents have. Hygiene and safety issues are, to some extent, subjective. It may be OK with Dad not to take a shower every day, or even every three or four days.

Starting the conversation early, and gradually, is the key to better understanding and better outcomes, experts say.

"One of the mistakes adult children make is to enter this whole process with an air of urgency," McCabe said. "Already, the senior is feeling pressed and resentful and decides to dig in their heels." Just because you've been concerned for months doesn't mean your parents share your concerns, Harwood said.

"Springing this on them and expecting a sensible response right off the bat is kind of unfair," Harwood said.

Grown children also can take the role reversal too far, he said. They may intend to be helpful and truly believe their parents need them, but that doesn't give them the right to patronize or stereotype them.

"Your mom may have physical problems, but that doesn't mean she's cognitively impaired," he said. "Perhaps her hearing's going, but that doesn't mean she's stupid."